


okay isn't a word where i come from

by lloydshoulddyehishair



Series: Ninjago Oneshots [2]
Category: Lego Ninjago, The LEGO Ninjago Movie (2017)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Child Abuse, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, SEE HOW THIS ISN'T TAGGED MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH, Sad, Suicide Attempt, Takes place after season 10, Trauma, Trust Issues, bad childhood, bad memories, depends if someone wants it or not, im maybe gonna do a second chapter, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 18:49:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20363356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lloydshoulddyehishair/pseuds/lloydshoulddyehishair
Summary: lloyd's alone at night and depression just takes over.





	okay isn't a word where i come from

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all its me again, with my depressing ass stories:)))  
so get ready for sad shit

it was already past midnight. the other ninjas were already asleep in their separate bedrooms, except for their youngest member.   


the son of lord garmadon, the green ninja, the chosen one, the leader of the ninja team. the list goes on.

he was all those things to the people of ninjago. he was everything for them, except for one thing.

_lloyd garmadon._ the kid who was hated by all, left alone by his family to look after himself. lloyd garmadon, who was broken inside. who desperately needed help, but wouldn't ask because his well being wasn't as important to him as his image.

he was the green ninja, he was supposed to be strong and fearless. but look at him now. crying alone in his room, curled up in a ball of pity because he is so afraid.

so afraid of himself.

so afraid of what he might do to himself.   
  
\---

to this day he could not believe that his mother had actually left him as a little kid at a boarding school for bad children. what was she thinking? that they would take good care of him?   


lloyd couldn't help but chuckle bitterly.

\---

since lloyd never had someone to look after him as a child, he had to find a way to cope with his negative emotions himself. he was told by the teachers and students of his boarding school that crying was for weak and good people.  
  
but he didn't want to be good. he wanted to be evil. just like his father. (if lloyd was being honest with himself, he just wanted to be evil so that his dad would love him, but he would never admit that.)

so crying wasn't an option. but the students at his school would soon help him find a solution.  
  
whenever lloyd was "weak" and cried the other students would beat him up and after that he felt better. because he _deserved_ it. he deserved all the pain and it also made him forget his mental problems by focusing on the physical ones.  
  
so that was when lloyd first started to harm himself.  
  
it started with normal slaps on his wrists that didn't even leave bruises at first. but then it ended in him slicing open his skin with a knife he had found in the schools cafeteria.  
  
he had to be rushed to the hospital once, he was 8 years old back then. he had tried to take his own life.  
  
when the schools principal and teachers confronted him about it he said that he was practicing what he could do on his enemies. and the teachers were proud, because of how "evil" lloyd was.  
  
_just thinking about it still made him sick._

\---  
  
he will probably never forget the night he was suspended from darkleys.  
  
after not passing another test about being evil, the teachers decided that they have had enough of him. they didn't even let him pack and get his stuff. they just grabbed him and threw him out.  
  
he was being thrown like puppet. like he was worthless without any feelings.

he still has scars from this today.  
  
\---

the young blond had walked around ninjago for weeks without food, how he was able to keep on walking he didn't know, maybe it was his hope to see his father.

he walked through ice and hot deserts with barely making any stops, completely alone, with no one who could make sure he was okay. but it was okay.

lloyd had felt alone ever since he had been left at darkleys.

\---

something that he probably won't forget ever again either had something to do with his now best friends - his brothers, his only family.  
  
and even though he loves all of them with his whole heart he cant help but remember how they had hung him up on a sign on a house.  
  
he was just ten and all he wanted was food to keep him from starving and his father to love him.  
  
but they didn't see that. they only saw him as garmadons little brat, destined to become just like his father.  
  
this incident was probably also the reason for why he doubted that they actually loved him for him as lloyd garmadon, but instead for him as the green ninja.  
  
\---

the aching pain in his chest, which he felt as pythor betrayed him, was something he had only felt in relation to his parents before.   
  
he thought that pythor was a friend, that he understood him and was there for him, but wu was right.   
  
never trust a snake.   
  
\---

anyone would have been happy with being the chosen one, the green ninja. anyone but lloyd.  
  
did destiny try to completely ruin him?  
  
he didn't want to have to fight against his father and maybe even kill him.  
  
he wanted to be with his father. not with his uncle, some stupid ninjas and a girl. (even though the girl and his uncle had been nothing but nice ever since he had joined living on the destiny's bounty).

it was unfair. destiny really wanted lloyd to suffer as much as possible.  
he had just gotten his dad back and was now supposed to let him leave again? this wasn't fair.  
  
just as always.

his life would _never_ be fair.  
  
\---  
if the blonde really had a choice he would have chosen to keep his childhood.

he didn't want to grow up. he wanted to enjoy the last few years he could have as a kid, without responsibilities or worries.   
  
but that was when he realized.  
  
his childhood had already ended a long time ago.  
the second his mother had left him at darkleys was also the second in which his childhood ended.  
  
so he threw the tea at the dinosaur.   
  
_he didn't have anything to loose anyways. _  
  
\---

the thirteen year old was mad. really mad.   
  
how dare his mother walk up to him and his new family like that after years, acting like it was the most normal thing? what kind of mother was she?   
  
lloyd couldn't help but almost let out a sarcastic laugh.   
  
mother.   
  
she wasn't a mother. especially not his mother. maybe by blood but _not_ by heart.   
  
\---

they were stranded, thousands of kilometers away from the land of ninjago.

the overlord had defeated the ninja, he had defeated lloyd.

and even though the o0thers were happy that they at least didn't loose lloyd, but the green ninja would have been rather_ dead_ than alive in that moment.

he had sacrificed his childhood for nothing. he had trained those years for nothing.

he let ninjago down. he let his friends down. he let his uncle and mother down.

but most importantly, he let his dad down.

\---  
  
lloyd would never be able to describe the feeling he felt when he saw his dad again after the fight, after he had become the ultimate spinjitzu master.  
  
his dad was good. his mom was back.   
they had the chance to become a family again.   
  
for the first time in years he felt hope.   
  
hope that would soon be crushed into little pieces.   
  
\---  
  
when zane died lloyd felt a lot of things. sadness, anger, he felt lost, but mostly he felt useless.   
  
defeating the overlord was his destiny, yet one of his brothers had to sacrifice himself because the youngest was too weak.   
  
too weak to fulfill his own destiny.   
  
and as the team started falling apart one by one, lloyd wondered if it would ever be the same. (spoiler: it wouldn't)  
  
\---

lloyd was so sure that they were going to win against chen. he would have, if kai – his best friend and brother, his idol – hadn't betrayed him. kai didn't only betray him, but the whole team – the whole of ninjago even.

lloyd felt himself falling apart.

after all those years everyone whom was important to him had betrayed him.

maybe he _didn't_ deserve happiness.

\---  
  
his dad was gone. he was gone. dead gone. cursed. forever. there was no way of turning things back. of getting him back. he was gone for real this time.   
  
zane may be back but for the blonde it felt like he traded one family member for the other.   
  
it was so unfair. why couldn't he just be normal. a normal boy without any elemental powers, with a normal happy family and friends.   
  
lloyd would curse destiny if he could.  
  
\---  
  
lloyd could barely remember the time morro had possessed his body, all he could remember was the darkness and the pain, the _never ending pain_. it felt like needles burning through his skin. and morro talking him down the whole time really didn't help the situation.  
  
he had actually thought of giving up. multiple times in fact. because he didn't want to be the green ninja, so if this ghost wanted to be, why not let him? oh, right, because he wanted to protect ninjagos citizens. cause it was clear that morro wouldn't use his powers for good if he were the green ninja.  
  
and over the time (lloyd didn't know how long he was being possessed, could have been days, months or weeks) he started to think that what morro said was actually true.  
  
that he didn't deserve to be the chosen one, that his friends and family only liked him because of his title, that he was a failure for not even fully fulfilling his destiny.   
  
that his fathers death was his fault.  
  
that had hit him like a truck the first time morro threw that against his head. but the ghost was right, wasn't he?  
he was the one to curse him. he was the one who failed him.

at this point lloyd didn't even want to be_ alive_ anymore.

\---

seeing his father one last time before he was killed and taken from him _again _may have been the worst moment of his entire life.

and then having to act so strong like everything was fine, while nothing was fine. he wasn't fine. he was used to this feeling though.

the feeling of depression, of wanting to turn back time, starting all over.

the feeling of wanting to die or not having existed at all.

by now the fifteen year old was pretty sure that his grandfather - the first spinjitzu master - hated him.

And he started to hate  _himself_ too.

\---

was he a useless leader? a bad sensei? in his defense - he was still a sensei in training, but still. with his uncle not being well he had to take on the role of sensei and he was doing a horrible job.

why didn't his friends take him seriously? did they still see him as a little child? why did they have to behave like idiots?

lloyd was frustrated and just did not know what to do.

he missed his uncle.

he missed his dad.   


\---   


the sixteen year old felt his knees starting to shake but he had to keep walking down the hallway until he reached the bathroom. his eyes began to burn, his vision beginning to blur.

he opened the bathroom door, slipped into the room and locked it.

slowly he slid down the door, finally letting the burning tears fall and sobs escaping his throat.

his uncle was gone. lost. lost in a time stream. the only family member that never harmed him and never betrayed him, was gone. the only family member who he could always go to when he didn't feel good, was gone. the one person whom he kind of saw as a father figure was gone. for good.

it was this exact day lloyd started to fall back into his old coping mechanisms.

he felt his heart break more with each second.

\---

his mother left. As he was alone in ninjago city while patrolling. She just left. No message. No note.

just like back then when she left him at-. how could he even believe her when she had said that she would never leave him again?

and now lloyd was alone. actually alone.

he had no one.

except for the  _knife_ under his pillow.

\---

the eighteen year old could not believe it. the sons of garmadon wanted to bring back his father. but not as sensei garmadon - as lord garmadon. they would ruin everything his father had stood for while he was alive.

not to mention that they would probably ruin lloyd mentally too.

he was just glad to have rumi by his side to at least experience some sort of happiness.

\---

_of course._ of course harumi was the quiet one, wanting to destroy all the ninja and especially lloyd. of course harumi was the quiet one, wanting to bring back his father in a sociopathic form. because, why not, right? why not let him experience him true love? That would be way too boring.

god damn it.

was he the overlord in his past life or why did destiny and the first spinjitzu master try to make his life as horrible as possible?

he had actually fallen in love for the first time in his whole life and thought he found someone who understood him.

turns out it was all an act.

he was nothing but a pawn for her little plan.

\---

seeing garmadon in his evil form after all those years felt weird and wrong. His father was a good man, not a monster. he died for good. but harumi ruined his legacy.

lloyd was sure that he would be able to find some light in his father, to be able to turn him again. but as the fight in kryptarium went on he started to believe that his “father” might not even have a soul.

the fight went on and lloyd felt weaker ever second, exhausted. his father just seemed to get stronger with each hit. and that was it. the green ninja knew he was not going to win this fight. he was lucky if he even survived. he silently accepted death as he was thrown through the thick prison walls as garmadons words echoed through his mind (just as the would years after).

“_i have no son”._

\---

his life was truly a shit show. now he actually lost  _everything._

his powers.

his city.

his home.

his love interest.

his uncle.

his friends.

his father.

everything.

his friends were dead. they were dead and it was his fault. if he hadn't been such a fool and went to face garmadon alone all of this wouldn't have happened. his friends would be by his side now. but no.

he had made the  _worst_ decision in his entire life.

\---

being on a constant run from garmadon, harumi and the sons of garmadon was a mentally draining. they couldn't ever rest, couldn't have some time alone or stay at the same place for more than a week.

this man who now ruled over the city wasn't his father. lloyd had to tell himself that every day. his father would have never tried to harm him.

this man was just a monster.

\---

getting the news of cole falling into the darkness – dying, hit lloyd hard. he had just gotten his family back, why did he always have to loose people? it was like he was supposed to be alone  _forever._

cole was his big brother. he loved him dearly and now he was gone? he couldn't say goodbye. he couldn't say how much he meant to him.

just like the last time when the destiny's bounty was crushed.

\---

coughs escaped his mouth as air entered his dry throat. his friends started to cheer in happiness.

what had happened? had he been dead?

god damn it. he had been so  _close_ to getting out of his misery.

\---

and now the nineteen year old sat on his bed, all those horrible memories haunting him.

nothing would ever be alright for him. he seemed to have realized that by now.

his legs carried him on deck, breathing shakily in the cold night air he walked over to the railing. he just stared down, seeing the sandy desert.

he could have sworn that he heard morros voice in the back of his head, telling him to  _“just end it all”._

and he screamed.

it wasn't a typical scream for help like he heard everyday. it was full of hurt, frustration, pain.

He climbed over the railing as he heard many fast footsteps approach, just to see his whole team and uncle on deck shortly after.

“lloyd!”, kai spoke up, obviously panicking. “what are you doing?”, he stepped forward, trying to approach his baby brother.

“don't!”, he almost screamed, “don't come near me!”, he took a hand of the railing.

“lloyd, you're going to be okay. just step over the ceiling. we can work out whatever you are dealing with.”, cole tried to calm the youngest of the team down, but it was clear that even the black ninja was panicking.

“he is right nephew. everything is going to be oka-”, wu couldn't finish his sentence.

“don't u dare to tell me that everything is going to be okay, when nothing has ever been okay!”, tears started to form in the blonds eyes.

“lloyd, please!”, nya was the next to try to approach him, but she was at a loss of words. She never imagined something like this happening.

zane was the next to step forward. “please, don't do this, bother. we need you.”

“we love you!”, jay basically screamed.

“i love you all too.”, a tear fell on his cheek. “you all are going to be alright, i promise. i will watch over you.”

“no, lloyd! don't!”, kai screamed as he tried to grab lloyd's hand, but it was too late.

he slipped through his fingers.   


and fell.

everything that lloyd could hear were screams.

** horrible screams. **

**Author's Note:**

> so,,,,,,,  
tbh i didn't know how i wanted this to end. so i left the ending kinda open for your imagination, whether or not the ninja saved lloyd or not (that's also why it isn't tagged major character death)  
but leave a comment if you want a second chapter with an actual ending!!  
and some feedback would be great too:3  
have a great day <3


End file.
